Winnicott's False Self: Light Version for Daily Living

Donald Winnicott developed an idea that individuals live out of either a false self or a true self.  The true self is an authentic and real living, living out of the individual's core.  The false self, Winnicott (1960) claims, is a defense against the elimination of the true self.  This defense comes via hiding the true self.  It is common that this "hiding defense" is so well adapted that one's false self appears as a true self to others (p. 142).

Thats a very brief overview of Winnicott, further limited by my understanding and comprehension on his paper.  What he is clear on, however, is the fact that this true and false self is developed in infancy and that the infant's development of either is dependent upon its interaction with the primary caretaker (usually the mother).  If a mother is able to empathetically meet the distress of the infant (i.e. is able to decipher what the infant's cries mean, hungry etc.) then the infant is left free to explore and develop.  If the mother is unable to, for whatever reason, meet and care for the distress of the infant, the infant creates a false self that conforms to the type of care that the mother is able to provide.

From my understanding, Winnicott's thought is this:  The False Self hides the True Self and in so doing, protects the True Self from being destroyed.  Even though the false self may sound negative, it is the mind's way of protecting itself; a type of "mind self love."

I titled this post "Winnicott's False Self:  Light Version" because I wonder how often this notion of true self vs. false self is put into practice in highly functioning individuals, where this false self has not led to a pathology of some type.  What I mean is, how many of us, at some core level, are terrified of showing our true core self to another, to live authentically into community?  I feel that number is pretty high, and does not necessarily mean that one is psychotic or with a major mental illness.

I think most of us, I know I have, have had situations and times in life in which we were told, or felt, or interpreted, another telling us that who we are or what we've done is not good enough, valuable enough, or worthy enough; we must be more.  And so we learn to hide those parts of ourselves that we deem "not enough" and put forth a false self that compensates for those perceived voids.  We learn to live inauthentically based on the input (real or perceived) of others.

I'm reminded, in reading this paper from Winnicott, how blessed I am with close friends and a great therapist and amazing fiancé, all of whom can hold, tolerate, bless and celebrate me as I am.  I experienced the opposite for the vast majority of my life.  What I realized is this:  When living for the purpose of compensating for a lack that I feel others see in me, I was the loneliest I've ever been.  Living into authentic and "TRUE" relationships with others is the most terrifying and rewarding experience, interpersonally, that I've ever felt.  It reminds me on a daily basis to be thankful for those relationships and to put forth the effort to bless and grow them because the effort, vulnerability and pure terror at being really "seen" is well worth the chance to have the deepest core of my being loved and cherished by another.

Source:  Winnicott, D. (1960).  Ego distortions in the true and false self